Parn:
Hey Orson!
Deedlit:
Parn what do you think you're doing?
Parn:
I'm just trying to keep him on our side babe. You know he does get pretty moody.
Deedlit:
No I don't know that and neither do you! How could we? We haven't met him yet!
Parn:
What?
Deedlit:
We haven't met him yet, idiot. Didn't you read the script?
Parn:
What script?
Deedlit:
You have a point. Come on we're not even supposed to be in this scene.
Parn and Deedlit walk off camera.
Parn:
So why is everything so different?
Deedlit:
It's a new series Parn. I told you that.
Parn:
Oh yeah! Hey Deed, do you think you're going to be doing any more of those water
spells in this series? They always make me laugh.
Parn:
That hurt!
Deedlit:
Oh shut-up, at least you have something to be happy about.
Parn:
I do?
Deedlit:
You can actually handle a sword in this series.
Parn:
Cool.
Shiris:
God! I knew they wanted more screen time, but I didn't know they desperate. Come on
Orson we've got to go to this "free village" and charge it taxes.
Orson:
Yep.
Random Extra 1:
And why are we wasting our time with this little village?
Shiris:
Mercenaries never waste time if they're getting paid.
Random Extra 2:
Yeah but we could be making mega-bucks in Flame, or Rudo.
Orson:
Ever since the War of Heroes ended five years ago, there has been little action anywhere.
Random Extra 1:
What's up with this guy anyway, Shiris. He's always so deadpan.
Random Extra 2:
Yeah, you know it's no good for our image.
Shiris:
I wouldn't bother Orson if I were you guys. When he gets riled up, he can't tell a friend
from a foe. And remember you're both just RE's.
RE'S:
Eh? Foe? Isn't that word a little beyond the target audience's vocabulary. Maybe we
should be saying enemy?
Orson:
There is no need to be melodramatic. I merely enter a state of mental blankness in which
I attack everything in sight.
Random Extra 1:
Okay, I'm walking behind this bastard.
Shiris:
Shh. Look there's the village. Now everyone remember the plan.
Random Extra 2:
What plan?
Orson:
We are about to engage in an act of subterfuge thereby luring the sorcerer of this village,
a man called Slayn, into the open where we will have him surrounded.
Random Extra 2:
No I don't remember that.
Random Extra 1:
(Terrified) A sorcerer!
Shiris:
Yeah! I here he's a nercophiliac, with slight homosexual tendencies.
Random Extra 1:
(Terrified) Homosexual!
Orson:
It doesn't matter.
Cecil:
What are you mercenaries doing here?
Shiris:
Are you the sorcerer of this village?
Ceicil:
Yes.
Shiris:
Good. I have come to collect the taxes that these people owe.
Cecil:
God! I already told the IRS agents that we are an Independent Village. We do not owe
any taxes.
Shiris:
Unfortunately many businesses have taken advantage of those tax breaks, and have
opened factories in this village. We have to put a stop to these gross abuses of the law.
Cecil:
Here eat a fire-ball!
Shiris:
(Aside) Now remember to act scared.
Random Extra 1:
Who's acting?
Random Extra 2:
You know this guy really looks gay.
Shiris:
Oh my god! They never said you were a real sorcerer. Run!
Cecil:
I have you now! What? Where did they go?
Shiris:
You suck Slayn. I can't belive you fell-
Cecil:
I'm not Slayn! My name is Cecil! I'm Slayn's lov-apprentice.
Orson:
They never said there would be two of them.
Shiris:
I doesn't matter who you are! We've got you surrounded, and you're going to do what
we tell you to.
Parn:
I don't think so babe.
Cecil:
Parn! Deedlit!
Shiris:
You're the. Free Knight. Hah! I can beat you! I saw the OAV, you suck Parn!
Orson:
Be careful, they say he's good.
Parn deflects Shiris' blow, and removes her weapon. He looks down at his hands,
amazed.
Parn:
They've never done that before.
Deedlit:
Parn watch out!
Orson jumps. Weird monk music starts.
Shiris:
Drop your sword.
Parn:
Are you kidding? That guy's a maniac.
Shiris:
No he isn't a maniac! He's a berserker!
Parn:
What's the difference!?!
Cecil:
A BERSERKER?
Deedlit:
A human possessed by the spirit of Hyuri (God of Anger). It is said that when a
BERSERKER passes only flies remain.
Cecil:
Flies?
Deedlit:
The ones that eat the rotting corpses.
Orson:
My love for you is like a truck. - BERSERKER!
Shiris:
No Orson! Stop!
Orson:
Would you like some making F***? - BERSERKER!
Shiris:
Stop!
Deedlit:
Kill him Parn!
Parn:
What?
Shiris:
No! This madman is my friend.
Parn:
So let me get this straight. We really met five years ago, but we didn't because we really
met ten minutes ago.
Deedlit:
No. We really met ten minutes ago. We just happened to meet five years ago in another
dimension.
Shiris:
Wait a second. If you say you remember meeting us in another dimension, why don't we
remember meeting you?
Orson:
Try as I might I can recall no incidence on a precipice.
Deedlit:
That's because you're personalities have been changed to fit this timeline. You're not the
same people we met.
Cecil:
How do you know such stuff, Deed?
Deedlit:
Oh that's easy. In the absence of Slayn I act as exposition.
Slayn:
Since the budget for this series is considerably less than the OAV, the writers have
decided to loose most of my character. I will now, like the great Gandalf of the Bakshi
Movie, exist almost solely for the purpose of Exposition. It's a tough and boring job.
Parn:
Slayn... and Leylia. and Little Nesse!
Parn:
(ASIDE TO SHIRIS) So blah-blah-blah unimportant character sent you here to collect
taxes.
Shiris:
Yup, he even told us about Slayn over there.
Slayn:
No need to explain what has happened in my absence. My telepathic link with THE
NARRATOR has proved sufficient.
Deedlit:
Oh? How is THE NARRATOR? We haven't heard from Him recently.
Slayn:
Of course you haven't! You know He only speaks to explain plot holes, and time shifts.
Parn:
And the occasional cop-out for what would otherwise be impressive and expensive action
sequences.
Slayn:
No He doesn't do those any more. The producers have perfected the FORWARD-STRAFE-&-PAUSE (FSP) technique. Surely you
must have noticed this in your recent battle with Shiris.
Parn:
I thought she looked strange when she hung in mid air.
Slayn:
Impressive isn't it?
Parn:
Yeah, but it could get boring.
Deedlit:
Why didn't they use the battle footage from the OAV.
Parn:
Which battle Deed?
Slayn:
They were all the same Parn.
Parn:
No they weren't! I remember the gold scene where a man attacks a troll and gets kicked
out of the way. And the red scene where a man attacks a troll and gets- Okay well what
about the blue one where a man attacks a troll.
Slayn:
Well, don't you want to know where I've been?
Parn:
Wait! Wait! There was a green scene where a man attacked a troll and- damn!
Slayn:
We have just gotten back from visiting Nesse.
Little Nesse:
Grandma!
Parn:
Hello little Nesse, and how was your grandma?
Little Nesse:
Yo Pops! What's up with this limp noodle talking down to me like I'm a little guirl?
Shiris:
What was that?
Leylia:
I'm sorry. Sometimes it seems that Little Nesse is more than one person.
Little Nesse:
!!luos ruoy wollaws ll'I
Slayn:
Ahem! It seems to me that we should get on with the explanations so that we may move
on to the unsatisfying travel and battle scenes... GOOD ...Now Nesse informed me
that Ashram-
Parn:
The Black Knight!
Slayn:
-is searching for the Governor's Treasures.
Deedlit:
You don't mean.. .the Treasure of The Dragons!?!
Slayn:
The same!
Parn:
What? Well, would you mind telling me why you called me?
Slayn:
I need you to steal a dragon's treasure.
Parn:
Okay, let's go!
Slayn:
Wait Parn, you might not care about reasons and compulsions but our audience does, and
we must not disappoint them.
Parn:
If you say so Slayn, I think they just want to see some fluid action, instead of the stop
motion we've given them so far.
Slayn:
Have you heard of The Age of Magic?
Little Nesse:
Mama, why do I feel all woozy?
Leylia:
Don't worry Nesse. It happens to everyone during their first few flashbacks.
The heat from the blazing fires distorts the image of a single man running into a
large hallway.
Slayn:
VO: The Kingdom of Castule had come to a terrifying end as the barbarian slaves
revolted against their masters.
Deedlit:
This is getting boring!
-cut to:
Parn, Deedlit, and Cecil are ridding horses. Cecil's horse is attached to a wagon.
Slayn and Leylia are ridding in the back.
Shiris:
Stop!
Parn:
What are you doing here?
Shiris:
I want to go with you.
Deedlit:
No way!
Parn:
Sure!
Slayn:
I think it might be a good idea.
Shris:
Great! Come on Orson,
Deedlit:
No one ever said the BERSERKER could come.
Slayn:
Of course he can come.
Deedlit:
Shut-up Slayn.
