(The heroes stand atop a bluff.)
Prince Riona:
Today, we shall retake our home! And our right to
wear ragingly homosexual jeri-curl sideburns!
(static pan, soldiers screaming, Still shots of people
charging, camera shakes, fog o' war around the edges)
(rocks smack into castle walls, still shots, lens
flares, action lines, adobe adobe adobe!)
Garrack:
(carrying a battering ram) Out of the way, move aside! Move it!
Soldier:
We're at the front of the crowd, dumbass.
(doors break after 2 taps. Soldiers pour in. Adooooobe!)
Prince Riona:
Now we attack their main force!
(Soldiers grunt, try to push their swords at each
other. Nobody moves)
Spark:
Our objective is the city center! Move!
Garrack:
Right sir! (Garrack stops pushing and whacks the enemy over the
head with the sharp part of his ax, miraculously not splitting
him in two and knocking him down.)
(Heroes run, Spark leaps. In order to save expenses,
cut to…)
Mansion on the hill. Priest Groder stands on a balcony
Groder:
(Skeletor voice) I don't believe it!
Ashram:
What is it?
Groder:
The free army izz kicking ass and taking names. They'vve penetrated
the zity gatezzz!
Pirotess:
(girly b.s.)
Ashram:
Defend the city center at all costs. If Rudo, our main artery
into Lodoss, falls, then dot dot dot.
(More fighting, Parn whacks someone, Deedlit starts
kicking ass, which is when you know things are getting really
pathetic. Gratuitious upskirt shot)
(Goddamn Mar kicks someone, acts like he accomplished
something. Various warriors forwardstrafe to victory, more running
to city center)
Garrick:
Hey Captain, the first ones are mine! (Breaks open door) Come
on and show yerselves ya lousy Marmo bastards!
Garrick
What the hell is that thing?
Leaf:
It's a troll, idiot. There were like a million of them in the
OAV.
(Priest Grievous inflicts GBH on troll with crossbow.
Orcs pop out, surround party…)
Ashram:
Groder, you suck. Take our wounded down to the docks. Pirotess,
I leave "it" up to you.
(Cut to orcs getting whacked. Parn arrives just in
time to miss the battle)
Deedlit:
The attack was a huge success, the Marmo are retreating. Prince
Riona is already running around the town square in a pink dress
singing "We are family."
Parn:
Spark, Rejoin the main force.
Spark:
What about you?
Parn.
Dot dot dot, baby. Dot dot dot.
Spark (VO):
Neese!
Ehehehehehehhhee…
Wangard:
Mwahahahahahahaha!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! It's too late!!! My preparations
for the three day prelude to the month-long ceremony of the spell
is about to begin!!! Time is up, heroes! Mwahahahahahaha!!!!!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
(Parn and Deedlit bust into the mansion)
Parn and Deedlit:
Gasp! It's Pirotess!
Pirotess:
Heh! Bow to my mad forwardstrafing skillz, beeyach!
(commercial break)
(Senseless battle)
(Pirotess strafes left, then right, then left. Close-up
of Parn's ear. Parn slashes. Pirotess gasps, scared by this irrational
action. Runs through wall, jumps several miles off a balcony
to a ship with Ashram below.)
Ashram:
Excellent work, Pirotess, even though I quite frankly have no
idea what you did, or what you were supposed to do. Set a course
for Marmo!
Narrator:
And so Ashram and his noble friends turn their backs on the defeated
city of Rudo.
Mar:
Yay, we did it!
Priest Habb:
Shut up, Mar.
(Habb pushes Mar off a cliff)
Ashram:
(VO) There is only one path left to us. We must abandon this
cursed island, and I must become a god. No! I'm a good guy now!
Must… control… egomaniacal… urges! Dot dot dot.
Priest Habb:
No Mar, you were wrong about Ashram. He is a true vision, and
a leader. Much like Steve Jobs.
Mar:
I guess you're right.
(Habb kicks Mar back off the cliff)
Narrator:
With Ashram gone, the remaining Marmo soldiers gave up and agreed
to become Prince Riona's sex slaves. After a long trek, the knights
of Flaim arrive.
Kashue:
How's it hanging?
Prince Riona:
You suck, Kashue.
Kashue:
Good news! I just signed a treaty with blah blah blah geopolitical
stuff.
Slayn and Leylia:
And we've just come from some other country, where there's a
whole new king and government! We had to leave Cecil behind to
help them set it up.
Prince Riona:
No Cecil? Awwwww.
Deedlit:
That means all of Lodoss is now united!
Parn:
Hooray! Let's celebrate this good news, and ignore any blatant
foreshadowing this may entail!
Kashue:
What? The two keys and the doorway are now in Wagnard's hands?
Spark, you suck. I don't know why I sent a knight in training
out on a mission that would decide the fate of all of Lodoss.
Parn:
That IS a pretty dumb idea, now that I think about it…
Kashue:
Silence! We should now wait to attack Marmo, as Ashram has taken
most of the ships.
Spark:
Ok. Except that that would mean THE END OF THE WORLD, you fucking
dumbass.
Kashue:
Oh yeah.
Spark:
Let me take the usual band of heroes to Marmo! I swear to you,
my leige, that Wagnard is no match for Japanese fiction stereotypes!
(Spark milks the cow)
Parn:
I'll go with you! You'll need my optic laser beams to defeat
Wagnard!
Wagnard:
hehehehheh, Karla. I've been meaning to ask you, where'd you
get that hot new female body? Rowrrrr.
Karla:
This isn't new, it's just Woodchuck with a slight sex change.
Wagnard:
Waugh. Ewwww.
Karla:
But I have more important things to ask you. If I spout some
random nonsense about balance, do you think it would allow me
to kick Spark's ass while apparently not worrying about you nuking
the island I love back into the stone age?
Wagnard:
Hmm. Yes, yes, I think that would work quite nicely, Grey Witch.
Karla:
Nifty. (Karla disappears)
Wagnard:
heheheheheh. Mwahahahahahahah!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Neese:
What do you want!?!
Wagnard:
Mostly to wipe out everything living on Lodoss for no apparent
reason. But for now, it's time for some kinky tentacle sex, baby!
Yeah!
Neese:
Gasp! I won't allow you to see me naked!
Wagnard:
Naked? Phht. Who do you think put you in those different clothes?
heheheheheh. Mwahahahahahaha!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Yeah!
